I have always had a problem with depression. I tell people that I came out of the womb depressed; there has never been a time in my life when I haven’t felt a veil of sadness. I remember telling my dad when I was ten that I was depressed, he got very angry at me and told me that kids do not get depressed. Twenty years later I found out that he was wrong. Because I had always felt this way, I never really knew that it was, indeed, depression that was living inside of me until I was 30. That is when life blew up. I guess my body just couldn’t handle the sadness anymore. It became apparent that I needed to get help in the form of medication. I was on the pills for two years but then took myself off of them because (okay, I know this is going to sound weird but it is how I felt) I missed the depression. I had always had that sadness. I knew that sadness like an old friend. It wrote the script of my day. It wrote my creativity. It was a part of me. The medication brought side effects that were foreign to me, side effects that I did not appreciate. I decided to see if I could handle the depression on my own, in my own way.
That was 20 years ago and I have been successful at keeping the depression in check. It is still there but, as I said above, it is an old friend, one that is a familiar part of my day. I know that as long as I don’t feel the deadness in my being then I am okay.
But then this past year happened. This was a hard year for me. I have kept it all in check but a few things happened last month that burst the dam.
A few weeks ago I was sitting in my chair, tears flowing down my face while thinking thoughts teeming with paranoia. For me, the paranoia is the first sign that things are toppling over. I have felt things sliding for awhile but I thought I could handle it but that Monday morning proved to me that I needed to do something. I thought that maybe I needed to go back on medication, maybe it was time to go back down that road. I decided to pray about it during the day before making the decision.
After praying for the Lord’s guidance, I was zooming around the web when I came upon Mystie’s blog. She was showing us how to use her new e-course, Simplified Organization. I was in desperate need of getting organized but I didn’t think I had the energy to go through my life with a fine tooth comb to get it organized. I was too busy fighting paranoia to have any time to fight clutter and everything else that has gone topsy turvy in this house. But I watched Mystie’s video that explained what the course was about and God reached out His hand to me through that video. Mystie talked about changing attitudes and re-writing the story that we had written for ourselves. The darkness that I had felt just a bit before was now lessening and I could see the light sift through.
In a moment of impulsivity, I bought the course. I decided that the money for the course was a heck of a lot cheaper than a year’s prescription for Prozac (they probably don’t even make that any more, do they?)
Oh my goodness ! This course is really good. There is meat here. Meat that has changed things for me already. I want to blog through all of the changes and habits that have appeared at my house so I will do this periodically in the next little while. There have been a few big changes already. The major one has been exchanging self-lies for items of gratitude and praise. The next habit change is picking up every day after school. We have a system in place and it is working! Halelujah! The other one is planning our menu for the week. I did this last year but in the midst of all of the life bumps I ditched it. Making a planned menu insures that we eat. That is always a good thing.
I am seeing that these changes need to be firmly in place before I add more habits into the mix. So in another week or so we will move on to some more habit changes. I’m excited about this!